Sunday, July 26, 2009

Happy to be

a bit of a control freak and just a tiny bit OCD.

I was reading a long article in today's New York Times about a young artist, wealthy privileged background who died this past week of a heroin overdose. I don't understand addictions. I don't understand why anyone would want to be out of control. I don't understand why someone would do something that they know will make them feel like total shit after the initial "feel good".

I understand all kinds of psychological/emotional pain. Been there, done that - oh yes I have. You don't know how much or how bad and I'm not revealing it. How easy would it have been to block it out with drugs or alcohol. When you are hanging on by the tips of your fingernails the prospect of anything that would loosen that is oh so scary. Feel better? Forget? Yeah, for a moment but what then, after? No, not for me. Not going to draw attention to myself that way. Or any way. Opposing neuroses?

And then there is me the uber-planner neat freak. Not a move made without a plan. No matter how well or how detailed your plans are there WILL be surprises. I don't deal well with surprises. I don't like surprises.

I don't like disorganized messes. Too time consuming. I'm lazy. I don't want to expend one iota of energy I don't have to. Do messy, disorganized people ever think about how much stress they add to their lives? How much time they waste? Does it bother them?

For all my faults and imperfections, I'm glad I am who I am. Neurotic, manic, depressive, cynical, anti-social, gregarious, compulsive - but in control, neat and tidy, and with a plan.

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