Thursday, January 19, 2012

I don't like January...

and maybe I don't like February either but I can't tell till I get there. I have no memory of not liking February but my oh my I think I have always not liked January.

January doesn't feel right. It's all ennui and anxiety. All throw everything out including myself. Erase, Erase. Erase!

It seems every January I try to delete myself. Last January I closed my blog Hugz and opened this one. I imported all the posts from the one into the other and then deleted past posts that weren't relevant or were deemed unworthy or boring or too personal or stupid or...I've been blogging since 2005 and my stats show something like 315 posts, if you include the ones I deleted it would be three times that many, at least.

A lot of people think of January as "new year, new beginning", I think of it as "delete, delete, delete" and not for positive reasons. It's not like I want to start something new but more like I want to get rid of what's old - not for any particular reason except that I'm tired of it. January makes me tired.

Maybe it's the hibernation gene left over from pre homo sapien times, we just sleep more and have less energy in the cold winter months; preserving our energies and food stores against hard times and Spring. I don't know.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I want to shed it, my identity, my past, with no looking to the future. Which leaves me where? Don't know, never thought about it till I started to write it done just now.

I don't want to be someone else, I just don't want to be me, or be here. And that's not here as in where I physically am, because you all know how much I hate where I live, but just not here. Makes no sense except that it does. If you've ever felt this way. If not, then lucky you and don't trouble yourself with trying to understand. How often do I really make sense anyway?

January is not like September.

September is always filled with hope and joy and New New New! Probably goes back to childhood when September meant a new school year and new clothes (sometimes), new books, pens, pencils. Paper - clean and crisp and blank; ready for new and better stories. September is forward - bigger, better! Not a re-invention but a building on, and up - higher, better!

I like September very much...

But I don't think I like January at all.

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