Friday, May 17, 2013


Last night - 1:30 in the morning - not able to sleep - pain - husband snorting/snoring/gasping/talking . Went into the kitchen, just leaning against the counter, in the dark. Thinking: I've had enough - of everything - of it all. Thinking: I am afraid of everything, all the time. Afraid - every moment of every day. Have been so for years. Irrational fears - of course - most. Not afraid of dying - just dying violently, painfully - I've had enough physical pain in life, prefer death to be easier. There is nothing that does not scare me. Cars - oh my god - I am so afraid of cars. Have been for years and years. Afraid of the houses I have lived in - especially the one in Philadelphia. Appliances - every time I turn one I expect it to blow up, catch fire. Every time I flush the toilet or turn on a faucet I expect a massive leak. Every time I eat I expect to get food poisoning. I'm scared that I will say the wrong thing and someone will sue me. There is nothing that doesn't frighten me. There is nothing that I do not fear. I am scared. Every. moment. of. every. day.

I went back to bed. I lay there thinking that I want to go. Let go, and- go. There's nothing I want, or need to hold on to. Time to go.

And how does generic apply here?

I get these little inspirational quotes from The Universe in my email every morning. They are generic. Everyone gets the same message each day. This morning the message was:
"Everyone's scared, Grace.
Few carry on.
Keep calm,
The Universe"

Did that inspire me? No. Did that comfort or calm me? No. Did it make me smile? Yes, yes it did. I love coincidences because there is no such thing as coincidence. Not really. Or at least not often. Because there is no such thing as 'never',  is there.  So - sometimes - yes, a cigar is just a cigar and shit does just happen. But mostly - there is no such thing as coincidence.

I am always amused that, indeed, I seem to get what I need, when I need it.

Today, a generic little message, made me smile.

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