Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Change

Not something I liked when I was young. I always stayed too long - places, jobs, relationships. It was a matter of the devil I knew. It was about being afraid of the unknown. Afraid of success and afraid of failure. Afraid of mistakes. I do not know how I lived that way for so long. Dreadful.

When I did make a change, especially a BIG one, an irrevocable change, it was after much thought - 3 years of thought in one case; 4 in another. A friend said "How can you make snap decisions like that?" He didn't know that snap decision was so many years in the making.
 
I started to change that about 30 years ago - big changes, small changes, important ones and frivolous ones. Often change for the sake of change. New, even when the old was just fine. Yes, I still thought out the big ones  - but not for so long. Some decisions seemed snap-like but once I decided it must be done then it was DONE.

Four miserable years living in Philadelphia - once I decided I was going, we made plans to go. Well thought out plans that were put into immediate action. It was easy. Moving there in the first place, not so well thought out, of course it wasn't my idea in the first place - but, water under the bridge.

I'm a planner, always have been. It's easier to do that now with the wonders of the interwebz. I've got lists; I'm ready to roll. I still drag my feet a bit. It took me 2 years to do the up-dates on this apartment. But it took me only 3 months to decide to get new dining table chairs. And once decided they were ordered the next day (and I'm still waiting for them, six week delivery is going into it's eighth week.) And these are just little things, I'm prepped for the big ones.

On the one hand, I think I have a future. On the other hand, I know all I have is a past and I'm just treading water. The only real plans for the future should be (and are) for comfortable maintenance.

Yet, I crave change. It's not so much that there is bigger and better out there, it's just that there IS an out there.  I have to be content with smaller and safer. I don't like small and safe, not anymore I don't. But there is that practical planner me off-setting the new and improved(?) go-for-it gal.

So, little changes - better than no changes at all.


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