Sunday, July 26, 2020

Here's the thing

I have learned to keep my opinions to myself, at least publicly, keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. It's been a long hard lesson to learn and sometimes I forget.

I wanted to write about all the things I don't say but that kind of goes against the lesson I've just told you I've learned. So I have all these important conversations in my head. Or I pour them out on my long suffering husband, most of them anyway because there are some he wouldn't be interested in. Actually I doubt he is interested in  any of them .

On the hot topics of today his most recent response was "Most people aren't you and me."  Well, yes of course but I can't help but say, over and over, "How stupid can these people be?"  I can understand something intellectually but be completely flabbergasted by it emotionally.  Intellectually I understand that most people's prejudices are rooted in fear, emotionally I don't understand that because emotionally I don't understand why they are afraid.

On a more personal and specific note re: minding my own business -

I think I mentioned recently that my female DNA contributor, who I have had no contact with in 25 years, died in May at the age of 103.  And that my niece contacted me through Ancestry to inform me of this event.

My niece is 46 years old and the last time I saw her she was a baby. Her father has been on my 'no contact' list longer than her grandmother had been. Perhaps 20 years ago my niece and I made contact and exchanged emails and then that contact ended because it was difficult for her to be a member of her family and be connected to me at the same time.

She obviously knew her father and her grandmother were not part of my life and she was torn between loyalties and obligations to her immediate family and her interest in getting to know me. I never shared my reasons for closing these people out of my life because they were obviously a huge part of her life. My story is not her story.  I accepted this disconnect; I had no desire to make her life more difficult.

Several times in those 20 years she made hesitant overtures to re-connecting and then backed away. I always respected her decision. Besides you can't make someone like you or want to be in touch with you, can you?

So where is this going? I did reply to her message and and she replied that she has been trying to understand her family and it's dynamics; that she hadn't had any contact with her father for a year and half and that yes, she would like to go forward with a relationship with me. Ok, we became friends on Facebook, she has all my email addresses and then - crickets.

I have decided that I won't try to contact her again, not gonna push my way into her life. Admittedly, when I responded to her initial message I did say some un-positive things about her grandmother, nothing about her father, you don't trash other people's parents unless invited to, but perhaps that was too much. Her relationship with her grandmother is her story, and my relationship with that same woman is my story.

Totally my mistake there, I should have remembered to keep my opinions/thoughts/feelings to myself. But it also reinforces my newest lesson learned - not to pursue connections when the other person seems to have no interest in such a connection. I'm easy to find, if someone wants to find me, they can. I'm not running after people any more. It takes two tango, and I'm tired of being the only girl at the Sadie Hawkins dance.

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