Thursday, February 04, 2021

Y'all were not supposed to say nice things,

 Y'all were supposed to go - 


Back in the day when I did have a therapist, he concluded, with great wonderment, "You are basically a happy person!" 

Considering all the whining I do about my mental health and my physical health, both of which are in bad shape,  you may not believe that. Hell, most of the time I don't believe that. And yet, there may be some truth in that observation.

Oh here's a platitude for you - 'Everyone has their own problems, most worse than yours.' And that's true enough for me. 

Anxiety and depression are life long mental health problems for me. The depression comes and goes, sometimes it is very deep and dark and dangerous, sometimes it is not active and obvious. 

Anxiety, on the other hand, is constant. I am a worrier. I am an over-thinker, and over-feeler. I project disasters and spend an inordinate amount of mental energy outlining them and planning for how to deal with them. And when the plans I make to deal with what hasn't happened yet seem overwhelming, I throw up my mental hands in despair and worry some more. 

I am amused by the solutions people have come up with to deal with anxiety. Lately I have seen proposed that you name your anxiety - 'Stan' has come up a lot - and that you talk to your anxiety - "Stan, you need to back off now, I have other things to do" 

I am a person who does indeed name things. I also talk to inanimate objects, and talk back to people on television. My husband found that weird while I explained that I was just 'interacting with my environment'.  (And that said, I refuse to use Siri or Alexa. When I yell at my computer it is only to excoriate it.) But I just can't seem to get on a first name basis with my anxiety or depression. Anthropomorphism only goes so far for me.  

Before computers and the internet and social media and friends I have never met, I wrote all this out in a notebook. Then of course there was therapy. Now I have this blog. The thing about dealing with my anxiety in a more public forum is that I feel 'seen', the way one feels 'seen' when one is in actual therapy. It makes one feel human. 

But, as I outlined in the previous post, dumping your crap on other people is not nice. Therapists get paid to listen, your friends and family do not. So I need to be more cognizant about dumping my emotional problems on the public at large. Whining about toasters can be amusing, whining about personal problems is not. 

So it's back to private notebooks for my depressing, needy dumps. I don't want to wear out my welcome with any of you. 

And please don't comment with any of the lovely things you always say to me - it just makes me cry. You are all dear to me and yes, I love you too!


14 comments:

  1. I, for one, welcome all of you--and I suspect I am not the only one! Being alone with these feelings makes them grow and gives them greater power.

    But I also understand not wanting to share them. As a therapist who stopped seeing her therapist (because I do enough stuff remotely), who has slowed down any personal writing to an intermittent trickle, and who carries a lot of shame and pain without sharing--well, I wonder what would happen if I did share. Who would tire of me? Who would be disgusted? And who would "get" it?

    Not sure if this is what you experience, too. Anyway. Love you.

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    1. Last week I wrote a bit about that - what we reveal and don't and why (https://www.just-tawkin.com/2021/01/its-personal.html). I quote myself here: "Because there are some parts of us - thoughts, experiences, emotions, reactions, beliefs both rational and irrational, that we keep only for ourselves, and sometimes not even that. We bury some of ourselves within ourselves and we exhume them for no one, not even ourselves. Nor for our most loved, or even our therapists."

      I think I might 'get' a lot of you, and I think there are things about me you would 'get' but there are other aspects of my life and how I lived it that will always remain with me only. I don't regret them, nor am I ashamed of them but I know as sure as god made little green apples I would be severely judged. But those things are of no consequence and there is no reason for me to share them now - perhaps when they happened - but now? No reason to..

      Thinking about this, I realize that there are things going on in my life, in my head, in my psyche now that I would not share - not from embarrassment or anything like that but from feeling no one needs to see the darkness. Sometimes you have to find or create your own light.

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  2. ❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕

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  3. You could never wear out your welcome with me! In the past few years I've found that there are so many things we deal with alone because we think no one else gets it but we're often more alike than we think. What you share releases it from you and resonates with us. I know there are things we'll never tell anyone else but I hope you know we're always here for you with the stuff you do want to share. We love all of you, Grace and nothing could change that! Love you mucho!

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    1. Yes, the resonance is an important thing - amazing how many 'secrets' are not really secrets at all we just think we are the only one with it. It's always a relief to know one is not crazy LOL I still feel like I'm burdening people when it all gets to be too much - I know I can cope, I mean I have no choice, and I spill a lot of emotion all over the place. Plus, to be very honest I am very lonely. People will say they understand and maybe they do to a point because with the covid lockdown lots of people are feeling lonely but I've been living this way for so many, many years now. Oh, right - here I go again - Poor Grace - Phooey! LOL

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  4. I was thinking the same thing as Sharla, you could never outwear your welcome. I may not be commenting because if I'm not reading from my computer I have a hard time leaving a comment,I always read though. I've never really seen your posts as whining.

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    1. Whoa - I am a total kvetch! But thank you ❤️

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  5. Well l have always found you refreshingly honest Grace - l'll not deny there are times when you are remarkably grumpy - but at least you are direct with it - and l appreciate that. You are a no bullshit kind of gal and that's the way you need to be and stay :)

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    1. "Remarkably grumpy" Oh my word that totally cracked me up. I'm an Italian-American New Yawker - what you call grumpy is just how we are. The fine print on birth certificates issued in NYC read "License to kvetch" But yes, if you're looking for sunshine, lollipops and roses, then you've got the wrong gal!

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  6. If there was all light all the time, we'd get sunburns. I feel like the older one gets, the more cantankerous one is allowed to be. And really, who wouldn't want to be cantankerous, just for the word alone?

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    1. I take exception to the idea that just because I am old I am allowed to be rude. I think as we age we should become kinder, more patient, more accepting, less cantankerous, less curmudgeonly. I would hope, as grumpy as I might seem I am NOT bad tempered, argumentative, uncooperative, which is the definition of cantankerous (with bad tempered, especially an old person, the definition of curmudgeon as well.) While it IS a fun word to say I don't think it is a fun way to be or be perceived as.

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    2. I'm becoming amused by my assessment of my temperament and others assessments of my temperament - I will be writing about this later in the day.

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